Hey Everybody...Look At ME!!!!



Writing is something that I seriously enjoy, but I know as a fact that I'll never earn a dime from it.  What I have to say is nothing more than a thirty-something year old man, fed up with bullshit and useless people, needing an avenue to vent these frustrations.  It's not terribly insightful.  It's far away from being polished and professional.  However, I enjoy the art of wordsmithing, as shitty as I am at doing it.  I do this for me.  Not for anybody else. 

People these days think that anything that they have to say or whatever they do, they should be recognized with a gold fucking plaque for their "efforts".  Whatever happened to doing things for yourself?  I mean, if people pick up on your writing, music or athletic ability on their own, isn't it more meaningful than shoving it down people's throats?  To me, and perhaps I'm old-fashioned in this, but I find it more rewarding when people enjoy something that you've done, and you didn't even know that they knew about it!  I've received a few emails from my previous blog, and a couple from this one, commenting on how they stumbled upon my blog and found it entertaining.  I didn't know these people.  They didn't know me.  But we made a connection.  Organically.



I have a few friends that write.  In my opinion, they offer nothing more than a play by play with absolutely no infusion of insight.  They aren't really writing for themselves.  They are trying to appeal to the masses, all the while trying to monetize their blog.  

Who doesn't want more of this?

(YPE, 2011-12)



For the most part, humans are followers.  If your best friend says that something is cool, you'll believe it to be true without figuring it out on your own.  I mean, isn't that how most bands become popular?  What I'm getting at is that it seems as if most people who write or play music, or what have you, do it for two things: A complete necessity for any type of positive reinforcement and the idea that they have something important to say.  For the most part, what anybody has to say has already been said before.

Who doesn't like to be told, "Good job!"  I don't in most areas of my life.  The phrase good job is nothing but a precursor to higher expectations.  I like to fly under the radar, do what I do, and get out before I can be recognized for what I've done.  I don't feel the need to exclaim on Facebook that I've wired a five foot by five foot enclosure with a 300 page electrical print in less than two weeks.  If you've never wired anything, trust me, it's a bitch.  But, and this is a big but, who really, other than myself, gives a shit? 

Who, other than myself, can brag about my personal accomplishments?  Everybody else besides me.  It's not that I don't take pride in what I do.  It's that I'm humble enough to know that I am not the only person on the planet that can do what I can do.  Not only that, but there are probably a million that can do it better and faster.  But can they do it and move on to the next thing without needing the recognition of their, ahem, accomplishment?  If they are confident, then probably.  If they need reinforcement and recognition, they lack self-confidence.  Period.

My dogs.  They know they're cute.  Confidence.

(YPE, 2011-12)

Quiet confidence is an attribute which most people do not have.  Most people need constant reinforcement that what they are doing is appealing.  Most people have a fear of not being recognized for their efforts.  Most people feel that they need others to notice them in order to crank out the next shitty album.  Whatever happened to doing it for yourself and not giving a shit about what other people think?  Whatever happened to being unapologetic for being confined to your own thoughts and not ostracized for being more outspoken?  Whatever happened to people being more humble instead of all of this look at me shit? 

Whatever happened to just shutting the fuck up about yourself and how important it was to let everybody know that you had a blazin' workout at the gym, and now you're going to sit down and write about something that you think it super bad ass and everybody will NEED to read it when you're done?  It's like totally dark and gothy.  Dude.  Just end it.  Fall on a spike or something.  Please?  It will be exponentially more gothy than whatever you were going to write about and then receive false praise for.  I will not read about your thoroughly bitching weekend at the indie music fest.  You know what?  Scratch that.  I am going to read it.  I'm going to be honest.  I'm going to tell you that you really need to stop writing.  I am going to tell you that you are single-handedly dumbing down the masses.  I am going to tell you that every time you write, a person takes their own life.  You scar people with your inability to realize that your importance is nominal.  You're an attention whore that needs to be pimp slapped and put back in line.  You know, just go right upside the head.....  Beh, fuck that.  That sounds like a lot of work and pretending to care.  Like anything I have to say will stop people from trying to gain attention to feed their lacking confidence.  Keep swimming you confidence lacking fish.  Some idiot will be around to feed you in 3....2....1 

The Proverbial High Five



 "Good job there, Sarah.  You went in there and struck that boy out.  C'mon guys...everyone give Sarah a high five for being as tough as nails while being faced with so much adversity.  What other girl do you know that could do that!  Huh?  That wasn't a girl she struck out.  That was a boy!"



Same finger, different color.

(YPE, 2011-12)

"Yeah, but coach, she gave up like four home runs and then struck out one batter before you pulled her out of the game.  You want me to applaud mediocrity?"

"Shut the fuck up King."

I've heard shit like that most of my life.  Women somehow deserving a little more credit than necessary for some trivial shit that they've accomplished against purely fictional insurmountable odds.  It's completely ridiculous, but in no way do I ever believe that it will stop. 

This battle of the sexes bullshit is really no battle whatsoever.  Men do certain things better than women, and women do certain things better than men.  End of story.  Yet when a female enters into an arena normally reserved for men, it's top flight fucking news.  It's not news.  It would be news if the woman came in and dominated.  If she came in and slam dunked the shit out of  Kobe Bryant.  If she came in and gave a little chin music to Prince Fielder.  If she came in and at least made the cut at a PGA golf event.  If any of that ever happens, I'll eat my own words.  But wait for it... it's never going to happen.  Ever.

Gender equality means something different to everybody.  To me, it seems like it's women trying to be more like men than the other way around.  If it's a salary thing, then yeah, I think a woman should be paid just as much as a man that does the same job.  Anybody that says any different is an idiot.  However, when it comes to sport, can we please stop trying to put shit where it doesn't belong?

The easiest person to pick on in this scenario is Danica Patrick.  She's sort of cute.  She has slight sex appeal.  That's it. 

"But King, she gets behind the wheel of a race car that goes over 200mph!" 

Hang 'em up Danica.

(YPE, 2011-12)

Um, so? 



 "Well, there aren't too many girls that can do that!" 

So, this somehow makes her a better race car driver than all of the other drivers that are currently on the starting grid?

"Well, no.  I guess not.  But she's a girl competing with the boys.  That's gotta count for something!"

It counts for about as much as an eight ounce glass of pure liquid shit, but please continue with the fascinating debate of why you believe Danica should be getting undeserved attention when she's won one god damn race in her entire career.  One.  In Japan.  On fuel strategy.

"I guess I don't know why she gets the attention.  I thought it was because she was a female in a male dominated sport."

It's because she's slightly attractive, and that's it.  There have been many female race car drivers before her, but she has been the first with any sort of marketability or sex appeal.  In fact, the list of drivers that came before her is quite long, but to my memory, she's the only one that has appeared half-naked in print and television.

"So, you're saying the only reason that she is where she's at is because she's pretty?"

The light is coming on.

(YPE, 2011-12)

Not at all.  She had to have the talent to get where she's at.  But, since she's "made it" she hasn't done a thing besides take her clothes off, which is kind of cool.  However, it detracts from the fact that she has any semblance of talent.  If she and the sports media focused on racing instead of her looking like a hooker, she may actually win a few races and maybe even compete for a championship.  But because she's gone the slutty route, and the slutty route pays better, she's become more of a caricature than an actual race car driver.  The only news she generates is the fact that she's a woman in a male dominated sport.  She doesn't make news by winning.  I guess if all she was looking for was attention, then she got it. 

"Well, I see what you're saying.  And all this time I was rooting for her because I thought of her as some kind of underdog.  In reality, she's just used the fact that she's an average looking female to generate buzz while not really accomplishing shit."

Now you're getting it!

"I mean, god dammit.  Why are we perching these females atop a pedestal that they didn't earn?  If she wins, then by all means.  But just because she's a woman competing against men doesn't make her any more deserving of attention."

My work here is now complete.

I Don't Like

There are many things about life that I like.  However, the list of things that I don't like seems to trump the list of things that I do like by quite a wide margin.  I decided to call this post I don't like instead of things I hate so people don't think that I'm an angry fellow.  Maybe my previous posts make me sound like a hateful person, but I'm not.  I love idiots.  If I didn't, I'd have nothing to write about.


I don't like Chris Chase.  If you don't know who he is, check out the sports blogs on Yahoo! sports.  Read a few of his articles and you'll understand how I've arrived at this conclusion.  His writing ability is that of a bad tabloid writer; as if there was another type. 

I don't like political correctness.  Say what you feel.  If you offend, tough.  I'm offended on a regular basis.  You see, I have this ability to decide whether or not to listen, and whether or not to react.  We all have this ability.  Very few seem to be able to use it.  There is no such thing as a bad word or phrase.  The only thing bad about words or phrases is the hate that is sometimes behind them.

I don't like people who habitually wax philosophically about how better things were 20-30 years ago.  They were probably better because you were younger and had less responsibility.  Either that or you were too young and naive to see the world for what it really is.  It's amazing how 20-30 years can give you perspective.  Now please shut up about how badass it was back in '82.  I've seen photos.  It doesn't look that badass to me.

I don't like people who share life experiences as if the way they do things is gold standard.  It comes off arrogant.  It comes off as if your way is the only way.  Your way is the best way for you.  Now, if it comes to things that apply to the masses, then yes, an overhand orientation of the toilet paper roll is the right way.  That underhand shit is fucked.

I don't like religion.  Not for what it stands for.  I don't like religion because those who claim to be religious, yet live like a fucking waste of life, still go to church on Sunday to be freed of sin.  Then these cocks have the gall to give me shit for being an atheist and that I'm going to hell.  Wait, aren't you the one that did coke at a party?  Then you drank a bunch of booze and drove home?  All I did was stay home and play Scrabble with my wife.  But because you went to church you are morally superior?  Cock.

I don't like listening to tales of hunting adventures and the big fish that got away. I will put this one quite simply; I wasn't fucking there. If I wasn't there, I have no frame of reference. I'm sure the buck was huge. That impacts my life how? Leave me alone. Go beat off on your deer head.

I don't like meetings.  I've never attended a meeting and then left it any more informed.  They are a waste of time.  Every single meeting that I have been to has been a mismanaged clusterfuck.  Tell me what I need to know and let me go.  I don't care how others feel about the information.  Tell them to come and see you afterwards.  If you don't understand the new parking policy, you are an idiot.  Really?  What doesn't make sense to you?  Why do I have to sit on my ass being unproductive for ten minutes so that you can better understand which are the correct yellow lines to park between?  Dumb bitch fucked it up the next day anyway.  That was a helpful meeting!

The King's Decree, Part II

- If you are excited about any of the current candidates for the upcoming Presidential election, be it Republican or Democrat, you are what is wrong with this country.  I don't know how one could look at any of these candidates and feel good about the direction in which they want to take the country.

- I would cast my vote for Jon Stewart before any politician.  If I trust a comedian more than a lifelong politician, there is something to be said about comedians.  We already know what there is to say about politicians.

Gotta keep my doomsday goodies safe.

(YPE, 2011-12)

- That new show on National Geographic about the people who are preparing for a doomsday scenario makes me laugh my ass off.  Have you noticed that most of them have a stockpile of food and a majority of them are pushing 300lbs?  Is this a stockpile of food for the end of days or just a snack?  Seriously, do you think that your DNA is so important that you need to redistribute it after most of civilization ceases to exist?  Have fun banging your relatives.

- People who fall for Ponzi schemes or any type of pyramid scheme are the same ones who stockpile food in their basement.

- While I'm on the subject of reality shows, can we please stop trying to drama up the show with all of these cymbal splashes and dramatic pauses at the reveal/result of whatever the shitty show is about.  "Kimberly...... (splash)... you ...will be going home tonight."  Take away the splash and pause and what do you get?  The same fucking thing.

- I can't wait until I'm rich so that I can be taxed at the same rate I'm being taxed at now.  Being rich is where it's at.  Money makes happiness.  It doesn't buy it.  I'm already happy, so I won't be needing to make an unnecessary purchase. 

- People who take another person's life should have theirs taken away as well.  A fair trial, sure.  But if convicted, you're done.  No appeal.  Will there be mistakes?  There already have been people convicted of crimes that they didn't commit.  Maybe it's the system and not the end result that's broken.  All I know is I'm tired of paying for murderers to live out their lives. 

Don't forget to wipe your tip!

(YPE, 2011-12)

- All government employees should be subjected to a random drug test once a year. If you (the government) want people who receive welfare to take a drug test before they are allowed benefits, you should take the test as well. I'm paying for it either way, so let's make it fair. I just want to make sure that the ones insisting on the drug test before dispensing money are also being subjected to the same before benefiting from my tax dollars.

- Watching sports highlights on television is beginning to become a chore.  Maybe it's because when I'm watching them, I really want the sportscasters to be focused on the games and not have to weave my way through endless stories and highlights which involve Tim Tebow, Danica Patrick or Jeremy Lin.  I mean, for fucks sake, there are more than three people playing professional sports.  If you don't kneel and pray, or have a vagina in a sport dominated with those who have schlongs, apparently you just aren't that important.  Keep pandering, ESPN.  You are losing appeal with the everyday fan. 


-On the subject of ESPN, can you please get the hookers off the air?  I don't need skanks with my highlights or sideline reporting.  I want to know who hit the homers, scored the runs and dunked the ball.  I'm tired of these sports reporting whores who seem to want to dress like they are about to hit the night on the town or the pole for that matter.  You're not any more important than the sports highlights themselves.  Wear a fucking pant-suit and read the god damn teleprompter.  We get it, somehow sports and women seem to go together.  If I want to see women while sports are on, well, not real women.  If I want to see whores while sports are on, I'll go to Hooters or some tit bar.

The King's Decree



 - Almost all people are stupid.  Stupid cannot be reasoned with.  It is a permanent condition that makes the lives of everybody around them exponentially worse.  The sooner you realize this, the less stressful your life will be.

- Drama queens are completely useless.  They serve no purpose.  They are a waste of space and resources.  That goes double for any politician. 

- Country music was made for the simple minded person.  The lyrics are easy to understand and every song is in the same key.  Is it a coincidence that most rednecks and white trash are drawn to it?

A sweet X-mas gift from my sister.

(YPE, 2011-12)

- Family is more important than anything.  Sometimes people lose sight of this.  It's mainly due to their own ignorance and inability to accept their family for who they are. 

- Christmas is about spending time with family.  Christmas is not about sitting outside of a store overnight to purchase a gift for your unappreciative child.  If they want it, make them earn it.  Being a kid is not a free pass to any gift that you please.

- That being said, I love to hear stories on the news about how people are fighting over a television or cheap jewelry.  In fact, I heard that a woman used pepper spray to get people out of her way so that she could get to what she wanted.  I never said that idiots weren't entertaining.



 - Open-faced sandwiches are for idiots.  When I say idiot, I mean coward.  When I say coward, I mean a man that is devoid of genitalia.  If you order an open-faced sandwich, and are of the male gender, you are immediately admitting defeat.  Sandwiches were meant to be held and then eaten.  If you bring a fork into it, you are letting the sandwich win.  By the way, don't forget your purse when you leave the restaurant.

- If people are giving you shit, it is easier to just walk away than try to reason with them.  The person giving you the shit has more of a problem with themselves than they do with you.  This is true 100% of the time.  Trust me.  I've done the research.

- Working sucks.  I sometimes wish I could be a trust fund baby.  I normally hate those people for the most part, but hell, I wouldn't mind being hated because I had money.  It would be different than being hated because I'm an asshole.

- I actually like being hated because I'm an asshole.  Being a rich asshole wouldn't be too bad either.

Professionalism

Nurse: So, have a seat.

King: I prefer to stand.

Nurse: No, please have seat.  I don't need you passing out on me and smashing your head up against the wall.

King: I prefer to stand.  I am more comfortable that way.

Nurse: You don't need to get cocky with me.  All  I am asking is that you sit down while I administer your shot.

King: I have five tattoos, four of which are visible.  I am not scared of needles.  I really am more comfortable standing.

Nurse: I am going to ask you one more time to please have a seat.  I am more comfortable giving shots if the person receiving the shot is in the seated position.

King: Why didn't you say that in the first place?  All you had to say is you are more comfortable administering a shot while the patient is in the seated position. 

Nurse: I'm not sure why you have to be so cocky, but you are really starting to aggravate me.

King: Well, this could have been completely avoided if you would have just owned up to the fact that you suck at giving people shots.  Honestly, if you would have told me that you are more comfortable giving a shot in the seated position, I would have taken your honesty and vulnerability into consideration and would have taken a seat with no issue.

Nurse: Well, why can't you sit down now?  I told you I don't like to give a shot in the standing position.

King: Because you called me cocky when all I was doing was being honest.  I was telling you how I am most comfortable getting a shot, which is standing, and you took that as me being cocky.  So, because you've tried to make me feel like a jerk by calling me names, cooperation is no longer necessary.

Nurse: Well, I have the needle, so maybe you shouldn't be so mean to me.  I can make this as uncomfortable as I want.



(YPE, 2011-12)

King: Now you're threatening me with a needle?

Nurse: No, I'm... I'm just saying you should try to be nice.

King: I am being nice.  I haven't once said anything that isn't true.

Nurse: You said I suck at giving shots.

King: No, you said you did.  I just reiterated it.

Nurse: I didn't use the word suck, though.

King: You may want to start.

Nurse: Look, can I just give you this shot and then you can be on your way?

King: Nah.  I'll just wait for the nurse over there asking people how they are the most comfortable getting shots.

Nurse: She prefers people sit down too, you know.

King: Good for her.  I also see that she explains to people why she prefers it and doesn't try to mask it by calling others names to make up for her deficiencies.  She is a big enough person to let people know that she is deficient in some areas.  You on the other hand like to play it bush league and make people feel small so you can feel superior.

Nurse: You really are an asshole.  I hope you have a shitty day.

King: Thanks?

Nurse: I see you're married.  I'm sure that your wife really loves you.

King: You must really hate your life, and I can't say that I blame you.  All you do is give people shots.  That's it.  And from what you've told me, you're not exactly an expert.  Also, look at how upset you're getting over somebody being frank.  Not to mention the fact that you're really ugly.  I mean seriously ugly.  I hate to get petty, but your face is probably the most appalling thing I have ever seen.  If I had to compare your face to something equally as homely, well, I don't think it would be fair to whatever I am comparing it to.  I don't know; a prolapsed asshole maybe?  You know, I think that...

Nurse: Fuck you!  Get the fuck out of here!  I hope you end up in hell!

King: Alright then.  Have a nice day.

Stressed For Success

Ah yes, stress.  Who hasn't been stressed?  It's a large part of life.  If we didn't have stress, we wouldn't have doctors and blood pressure medication and Xanax (which I take) and alcohol and...  Stress feeds the economy.  Don't believe me?


 "Is something that you currently do a huge pain in the ass?  Well, have we got some sweet shit for you!  We'll slap chop the stress back from whence it came!  Chopping the shit out of things has never been so easy and stress free!"

Dammit!!!

(YPE, 2011-12)

Well, the old, chopping things up stress has obviously been taken care of.  Thank Christ.  What's next?  I mean, not being able to chop things up in to little tiny fucking pieces has really been taking a lot out me lately, so I haven't had the time to focus on much else.  Let's see...



 The economy sucks and our elected officials are acting like a bunch of selfish assholes.  I'm used to that, so it's like a stress that just becomes a normal everyday thing.  Sort of like a nagging back pain or moobs, of which I have both. It's a shitty day in a man's life when he realizes that he has moobs.  Maybe a manzier will help hide the moobs a little?  Or I could just stop eating horribly?


Fuck it, give me a manzier.


I'm completely digressing from the point, which is what I planned on doing anyway.  I wanted to get the fact that moobs have made me feel like a complete piece of shit off of my chest.  It stresses me.  It ages me.  It makes me feel old.  It makes me realize that I'm getting older and I can't control it.  Moobs are a byproduct of a shitty diet and lack of exercise.  Stress is a byproduct of everyday life.  Success usually causes both.

That's a lofty statement.  I'm blaming everyday life for my moobs?  Yep.

"Can you come in two hours early and stay an hour late tomorrow?"

"Sure."

"We really appreciate you doing this.  Can you be on call on your day off, too?"

"Sure."

"Can we load you up with a bunch of shit to do because you do it so well, and we don't have the balls to actually learn how to do what you do because it would require the use of our precious time, and we know that we don't have to supervise you because you work so well without direction.  Could you do that?  C..Coul...Could you do that, please?  Hey, we have some leftover cookies with greasy finger prints on them that the first shift guys picked through for eight hours.  W..Wa...Want some?"

A few weeks of my time.

(YPE, 2011-12)



 "Sure."

"Think of it as a bonus for all of your hard work lately."

"Cool.  Thanks."

"You really do a great job.  Aw..Aww man, I was telling Upper Management Fucko #2 that you have been working so hard lately and how you deserve a raise."

"Thanks man."

"Of course I'm not in any position to give you a raise.  You know how it works, right?  I mean, I would have to put my ass on the line to get you a raise.  I would have to go to bat for you and explain to somebody that has never seen any of your work and how resourceful you are that you are overly deserving of at least a buck more an hour.  C..Cr..Crazy, you know?  Heeeeyy, how's that cookie?"

"It's good."

"That great.  Yeah, oh man...awesome.  Hey, so, um... can you stretch that to two hours late tomorrow.  I've got a few things I need to have done that I will not do because I have no idea how to do anything that requires any sort of general skill."

"Sure.  Hey, can I have a couple more greasy cookies?"

"Take as many as you want.  You've earned those."


Let me just adjust the strap on my manzier just a little.....